OMG Query Openers 2

Here we are again folks, more outrageously bad query openers provided by agents everywhere who were both amused and appalled...

Once again, as with my last OMG Query Openers post, all these are the opening lines to actual query letters an appear just after the 'Dear Agent' heading.

Hold on to your hats kids, here we go...

"This is my book, and I need an agent for it. It is mystery with love but no sex. It is called - title - and everyone who reads it thinks it's great."

"I am writing your firm to seek representation for my latest novel entitled - title. You currently represent a friend of mine who asked that I not use their name, and he said you would represent me. I have enclosed the complete manuscript as to save you the time of having to contact me."
(Yeah, either this person was lying about the 'friend', or that friend knew this person's writing was horrible and didn't want to be associated with them! Ha!)

"I have been forced to sen you an e-mail, as your receptionist is immature, rude, and practically useless in her line of work."

"My name is Janet Fisher, and I have been trapped it my house for 17 yeras. No one comes to see me, no one calls. Latly, I have become so lonely that man appears and keeps me company. He tells me strange thinhs about the world he is form. He wants to take me there. I cant go because he is imaginary. Or is he..."
(If you haven't realized yet, Janet Fisher is actually the name of this writer's character, and this opening is the plot of the novel. Any yes, those were her spelling mistakes, not mine.)

"Are you laughing at me, or is that just my book your reading? Maybe not yet, but soon you will be. Title- is my comedy novel about..."
(Yes folks, I do believe that was supposed to be a pickup line...)

"Are you still representing books? Do you have any openings? I just finished one, so let me know if you want it and I'll send it."

"I have suffered these past months to bring new life to this earth. Life takes many forms and mine is one of ink and paper. I have bled, labored, and trudged through the afterbirth of the mind, and now weary and soiled, it seeks new light and cleaner home..."
(Ummm... so I'm stuck somewhere between WTF and eww...)

And last but not least...

"David Cunningham never thought much of life. His existence was mundane, and mundane he expected it to stay. Sometimes however, the biggest of life's changes can come of the simplest of dry-cleaning bills...
Title- is a 92,000 word, completed literary fiction manuscript, for which I am seeking representation."

"But what's wrong with that?' you ask? Just this - it was a snail-mail submission. No SASE, no return address, no phone number, no email. The agent who received this flat out said they would have requested a partial had they have had a way to contact the writer.


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